I’m wondering if I should apologise to the nation because clearly I have been hoarding every colouring pencil and hair band that exists in the UK, in my daughter’s bedroom.

Today I have been a ruthless Frog…. a Frog that laughed in the face of chaos.

I have been a brave but cruel Frog (gloats & slurps another sip of Chianti)

Middle Frog refuses to doesn’t like tidying up and I have been threatening to go in and clean out her bedroom without mercy for some time. This morning I woke feeling brave and confident.

I ate two bowls of Rice Krispies and had an extra drop of milk in my tea to strengthen my resolve.

I donned a grim expression and entered the room equipped with a roll of bin bags and sheer determination. I am a brave Frog indeed.

It was difficult to know where to start.. I made the decision to climb over everything and tidy my way out. Sadly I didn’t realise it would mean missing lunch and having to beg for cups of tea every hour, but I battled on as only a Mother could.

Mid morning Middle Frog stuck her head through the door to see what progress I’d made.

Her eyes fell upon the 2 bin bags, bulging with ‘stuff’ (technical term) and she gasped!

Middle Frog: ‘Mum don’t throw that out, I want to keep it’

I have no idea what she was referring to , I merely carried on with my task and stated that Mummy had requested the room tidied on many an occasion and therefore Middle Frog had had her chance to do it and keep what she likes.. today Mummy was doing it her way…..

Horror raged across Middle Frog’s face but she dared not tackle Mum on a mission.

Darling Husband quietly cooked a roast dinner and rolled his eyes each time another bin bag appeared.

So I have finished the room, it has sparkling windows, I can see the carpet and it has been vacuumed thoroughly and there are 3 empty toy boxes sat under the window looking a little forlorn. I shall be cancelling Christmas for fear of any more plastic arriving in the house or more books appearing (damn all this literacy).

Middle Frog is pleased with her room, though somewhat dubious about what exactly I have thrown away.

I feel triumphant and all powerful, I have achieved something today, really achieved something.

Climbing Everest? Walking unaided to the North Pole.. pffft! that’s nothing compared to what I’ve faced today.

Tomorrow I must ensure I have the smelling salts ready for my Lady that Does…..

Today  as I parked the car in the Waitrose car park middle Frog and I spied a young woman carrying another young woman across the car park. I was concerned, but then we saw an employee of John Lewis was trying to engage them in conversation, so I relaxed and thought, Waitrose are marvellous, they will handle it.

But no!

The young woman put her friend onto her feet, she promptly collapsed on the car park, and the Waitrose employee started to walk slowly away into the store.. no rush, no.. ooh, perhaps I should call an ambulance!

The young woman picked up her friend who was either drunk or high.

The friend stumbled away towards the main road, her friend followed, the Waitrose employee shrugged her shoulders, climbed into her car and left.

I phoned the police, I thought if that was my daughter, worse for wear (and lets face it, most of us have had too much to drink at some time in the past), I’d want her to to be safe first and foremost. I asked them if they would just come and check she was OK and did or didn’t need an ambulance.

The drunk/stoned girl continued to stagger about and collapsed into another car park. Her legs literally gave out from under her and she appeared to have trouble focusing.

We watched from a distance, while her friends sat with her watching her passed out on the ground. Two friends left her.

After 17/18 minutes the Community Officer finally wandered along , as though he were out for a charming walk around a garden. We told him the girl kept passing out, watched him approach her and her friends and left him to do the right thing. Always put your trust in a Policeman.

15 minutes later (at the most), middle Frog and I drove away and spied the girls in the park, one collapsed on the ground, one sat by her side, no policeman in sight.

What is wrong with this world? Could the officer not have sat with them until her parents were called? Could he not have got a car to drive her home?

Isn’t it an offence to be drunk and disorderly in a public place?

I saw the girl fall to the ground so many times, each time I panicked, so worried she was going to hit her head, yet afraid to get too close and intervene, my daughter was with me and she was frightened to see someone so out of control that was so young and was so upset to think the police weren’t giving the support she so obviously needed.

I can only think the Police officer told them off, but that girl should have been taken home, I just hope she’s OK.

It’s a tough call when you see someone in that state and I feel guilty for not personally doing more.

Our Community police officers walked past me in December when I shut my hand in my car door, just before I fainted, walked right by me when it was minus seven degrees and I was sat on a bench with my head between my knees at 8.15 in the morning. It would have surely crossed their mind just to check if I was ok? Apparently not. I was found unconscious by members of the public, flat on my back with no idea how I’d got where I was.

And recently.. my OOps in the village hall car park with a picnic bench that I just didn’t see.

There were 3 Police Officers more interested in who I was and the terrible offence I’d just committed than spotting the drunk mother picking her children up from school and driving them home.

And finally the funny bit…

Some time ago a Police Officer of Monmouthshire stopped a white van.

PO: Do you know how fast you were going mate?

Van driver: No

PO: Well Mate, you were speeding… can I see your Driving Licence Mate?

I sense he was strutting around a bit at this point looking at the van.

Van Driver: Yep (hands it out the window)

PO: Oh come on, this isn’t even your Licence!!

Van Driver: Yes it is my Licence

PO: I don’t think so Mate, it says (Name removed, but it’s a woman’s name) on here!!!

Van Driver: That’s because my name is……..

The Police Officer finally looked at the driver, realised indeed the driver was a living breathing female, blushed and mumbled something about watching her speed in the future, handed the Licence back and went back to base to think about what a Tosser he’d been.

Come on Police.. get a bit more human will you

At Frog Towers mornings are very often a challenge.

This morning as I was nagging helping Middle frog get ready for school I asked her:

‘Have you brushed your teeth Darling?’

She replied: ‘Yes please Mummy, here’s my cup’

Yesterday we woke to discover 3 of our puppies were missing.. we were horrified, upset and worried.

We searched the nearest bits of the farm, the barns, under my office… everywhere.

We were convinced they’d been stolen.

Then around 4.30 Darling Husband’s BFF came over and spotted them across the field moving about together, looking like they were trying to get home. Somehow they had wandered an awful long way away and we’re still not sure how 3 wobbly puppies managed it!

But.. the scene was straight from Disney when we were all reunited, it was lovely… of course after a good feed, licking, cuddle and a jolly good talking to about wandering off with telling your Mother where you were going, they snuggled up with their brothers and sisters..

I don’t where the weeks are going, I feel I’m sprinting but still getting left behind with a few things.

It all started with the Tax Return Deadline looming in January. I shut myself in my office and worked steadily through all my accounts, filed my return and then (strangely out of character) I carried on working on my accounts until I’d finished almost the entire next year too.

Was I one of the first to file their Tax Return for 2011-2012? I may have been. I feel an inspection coming on as a result, never before have I been so on the ball, I don’t quite know myself (checks green reflection in the mirror).

I was determined not to get behind with anything again. I’ve cleaned the fridge out, done all the washing and paid my household cavalry on time for cleaning the lily pad.

I felt almost smug.

Then we overslept.. damn Teenagers have broken up for Easter and no longer get me out of bed in the morning. Mini Frog and I woke up at 8.45am. Clearly she had missed the bus, she pulled on her uniform, shovelled in breakfast and I drove her up to school (hair sticking up at the back of my head in a glamorous and ladylike fashion).

I came home and found a pile of letters from her school bag asking me to take in picnic food for a party they had had the day before (cringe). So I am back to being fairly useless in the real world again.. if Frog had tails I would be chasing mine.

Today I have been waiting impatiently for a consignment of Clockwork Crocodiles.

Have they turned up? No, of course not.

I complained to Darling Husband:

“I’m so cross my Clockwork Crocodiles haven’t arrived… why don’t people deliver when they say they will?”

DH: “Are you going to make an allegation about it?”

Me: “What do you mean”

DH: ” Well I wasn’t sure if you were going to be a crocodile or an alligator”

Sigh…

The World is in turmoil, there is rioting, earthquakes, civil unrest and disease.

In Wales this morning we read about someone who clearly has other priorities, perhaps it was the strain of the referendum?

Police are investigating after a shop worker was attacked by a shopper after she was told they did not have the cupcakes she wanted.

The woman smashed displays and threw cakes at Cardiff’s Sugarswirlz in the Dominions Arcade, it is alleged.

The shop owner said the woman went “absolutely ballistic”.

South Wales Police said they are hoping to use CCTV images to identify the attacker. They are also appealing for witnesses to come forward.

The drama unfolded when the shopper was told the £2.20 “sweet tooth fairy cakes” had all gone.

She is said to have thrown cakes around the shop, aiming them at shoppers and staff before allegedly grabbing shocked owner Sally Dodd.

Ms Dodd said the woman was told they did not have the cupcake flavour she wanted.

“She didn’t even wait for us to tell her that if she waited we could bake some fresh cupcakes for her.

“She threw herself on the floor ranting and raving while her children screamed and shouted.

“Then she came round to my side of the counter and grabbed me by the hair before I could get out of her way.

“I managed to tear myself free before the woman started smashing glass display units and spilling cakes all over the floor.

“I’ve never seen anything like it.

“You expect a certain amount of risk running a bar or a pub but not in a cupcake shop.”

The “sweet tooth fairy cake” is made with a mix of flavours topped with candy floss

Mrs Dodd said £400 damage has been caused at the shop where the “sweet tooth fairy cake” which made out of an assortment of flavours and candy floss is said to be a favourite.

Det Insp Noel Harris said: “This was an unprovoked incident which caused a great deal of distress to the victim.

“There were several witnesses at the scene and we would ask anyone with information who hasn’t t spoken to the police already to please contact us.”

The woman is described as “well built”, between 35-45, with straight shoulder-length strawberry blonde hair, and a Cardiff accent.

She was wearing a mid-length green coat and left the shop with her two small children.

It did cross my mind that the description fits DulwichMum but I can happily say she doesn’t have a Cardiff Accent (she is VERY Posh) and is not ‘well built’.

But this does seriously make me think Wales is still not ready for independence (please London, we obviously need you).

I seriously never thought my life would be like this!

Don’t get me wrong, I am a happily married Frog and we both adore our Froglets and where we live, life is pretty good, but it’s those little things….

Last night Darling Husband was playing Noughts and Crosses with Mini Frog with ‘new rules’. Daddy wasn’t allowed to see the paper it was drawn on and so had to memorise where each mark had gone.

‘That’s just silly!’ I scoffed.

‘No, we’ve started playing like this so we can play in the car’ said Darling Husband from within the depths of our thankfully capacious dishwasher. He continued..’and do you know mini Frog has to have Gingerbread Men made for the morning?’

Sigh.. no I did not. The Gingerbread Men are for the Eisteddfod on St Davids’ Day.. a bit early isn’t it? Why do they need to judge the competitions 2 weeks early?? Crikey in my day it was all done on the spot while we kept hitching up our Welsh Lady Skirts to stop them falling down, because really they were our mothers’.. she’d clearly forgotten too and so in the absence of time had shoved a safety pin into the waistband of an old black skirt, slapped a black flower pot on our heads with a doily sellotaped inside and packed us off for the day!

I never did enjoy the Eisteddfod.. as a child or as a parent. Senior school is so much easier!

So with enormous effort we made Gingerbread and fashioned some ‘human’ shapes out of it.

I was decorating them this morning with mini bow ties and buttons and doing impression of Lord Farquaad interrogating the little fellows about the muffin man (you need to watch Shrek if I’ve lost you there).

Decorating them that is after we’d found a way to prise them off the baking sheets to which they had stuck fast overnight.. nothing is ever simple, a stressful start to the day!

I hanker for Lily Pads new and distant pond water, so I’m planning a field trip.

Well, not me in person you understand, I have to stay here otherwise Darling Husband would miss me terribly (ahem!) and who would man my desk and pack the party bags??

So, I have 3 willing volunteers who are simply hopping up and down with excitement at the thought of a Froggy Jolly!

We’re in the process of formal adoption so they can be legally named and then we can obtain Passports (in case they leave Wales) so their trip will be smoother than a Frogs bottom!

So I must get on with the finer details, watch this space and do let me know if you’d like a Froggy visit.

If you want to describe an unpleasant aspect of the property rental business, Rachmanism is the word. The Oxford English Dictionary defines it as the exploitation and intimidation of tenants by unscrupulous landlords.

So, my dilemma recently was this.

I had an email from my Letting Agent asking if I would kindly pay for the carpets to be cleaned in a property let to a Tenant whose baby is about to begin crawling.

The email said:

I was somewhat baffled and asked how long the Tenant had been in the house.

Since August, they replied……. 2009.

Hmm.

Well, I thought long and hard about it, even Tweeted about it & every comment I had said don’t pay. SO I sent this reply.  Am I a bad Frog?

Frog

I’ve heard nothing since.