Last night Darling Husband and I enjoyed an evening of entertainment, fine wine and eats by Caterers to Prince Charles.

Gosh!

Was it a pre-wedding gathering for Kate and Wills?

Sadly not, but it was the next best thing! It was a ‘Gathering of the Greens’ , um.. a gathering anyway.

Let me elaborate.. A group of  like minded gentlemen have got together to talk about their John Deeres, drive them about a bit and enthuse between themselves.

Darling Husband is, as you must surely know by now, a bit of a John Deere man. One can tell by his collection of 9 Tractors, 1 Combine Harvester, ride on mower and quad bike, not to mention his new overalls, his work boots, hat and even his leather belt. If John Deere built houses we’d live in one!  He’s quite a favourite with our local John Deere dealer.

Our ladylike and feminine daughters have been transformed into overall and woolly hat wearers (of the John Deere brand, naturally) since I’ve been working in town everyday and Darling Husband has taken over as No 1 child carer.  I’m just glad I take my green Jaguar to town each day…. I’m convinced I’d come home to fine a yellow stripe painted around it like a bloody Plimsoll Line if I didn’t.

Anyway.. I digress…

As is the usual form a series of telephone calls had to be made before we left the house to decide who was driving (it clearly would be me). I phoned my two Brothers-in-Law to see if they were picking us up but they declined to say anything sensible so I gave in and drove to each of their respective places of habitation to collect them.

We laughed most of the way there. The room was in a beautifully converted stable block, there was a room full of local enthusiasts, wine on each table, the smell of top tucker and oh.. why was there a screen up at the other end of the room?

I demanded to know if we were going to be subjected to watched a slideshow of tractors, Darling Husband assured me it was simply there because they used it during their meetings and so I relaxed a little. I sat down at a table with our dear friend the spud box man and listened to his hilarious rant and gossip (of which I cannot divulge, clearly). We were soon joined by my Brothers-in-Law, Darling Husband and my very tall Nephew.

The ‘band’ started playing. The gentleman singer clearly was used as a model for Subbuteo players and his partner in crime was a young lady with more chest than talent… way more. It wasn’t something that went un-noticed by any man in the room and all the women sympathetically winced at the thought of the backache she must surely suffer. She seemed to have a mesmerising effect on a few of the men in the room; so much so, they failed to notice anything else except the food and John Deere sale catalogue being passed around.

My one Brother-in-Law is well known for his eating capability. He can eat two enormous roast dinners followed by two or three puddings with ease and carries not an ounce of fat. So last night I warned the spud box man that he might want to get to the buffet before BIL.  Each time BIL came back from the buffet we all laughed at him, the plate was incapable of carrying any more food, he had to hold it in place with his free hand (which thankfully is enormous). Mr Spud Box man couldn’t believe his eyes.  BIL doesn’t make a definitive break between the main meal and pudding either.. no no! What a waste of time! It’s more like a metamorphosis of flavour for him.. illustrated well last night by the plate of sausage rolls, french fries and fresh cream eclairs piled onto his plate.

Mr Spud Box Man had brought an auction catalogue with him, which was being passed around avidly. The men were drooling and the women were glaring like it was hard pornography. A man had collected a few John Deeres during his life. The day he died his wife instructed auctioneers to sell the lot. There were 16000 + !!!!! Apparently it took months to clear enough fields and line them up ready for the sale.

After a short while BIL said ‘Cakes’ in my direction.

Me: ‘Do you want me to get some cakes for you’

BIL: ‘Yes’

Me: ‘What do you want?’

BIL:’ 6 Chocolate Eclairs and 4 of the slice things with brown stripes across the top and cream in the middle’

Me: SIGH!

By midnight I’d had enough and feared the task ahead of getting the 3 men in my life (all a little alcohol affected) out of the room and into the truck. I rarely succeed until the parties are well and truly over and everyone else has left (I kid you not). So, I began by shouting at the one BIL, it took several minutes before his eyes could re-adjust from the singer, but I finally got his attention by putting his jacket on his head. The other BIL refused to move until I got his some more chocolate eclairs, we bargained that he would only get the silver platter of them once he stood up.. so far so good. Darling Husband grumbled and groaned in a good natured way but could see I meant business, so he came quietly.

I took them all home, watched them wobble and goose-step towards their doors and wondered how bad their hangovers will be today! Darling Husband is still in bed, I don’t think I’ll be seeing the other two today!

Everyone knows a single man in possession of a good fortune and land must be in want of a wife… will someone get me a break and please tell my Brothers-in-Law!!